You know what I meant, but two can play this game.

Ball is back on your side now...

CAPUT.

You must've remembered what I had said.

After a day of shopping and hanging out with friends who I hadn't seen recently, I came home to a long awaited and dearly missed evening.

It's been a while since I've come home at that time, shopped for groceries, and cooked dinner with you like that.

Noise filled the house as the sounds of chopping vegetables, clanging pots and pans, bickering and laughter mixed together on that warm spring afternoon.
Water bubbled nicely in the pot, soon to be turned into curry laksa, and I had a boiled egg peeling race with my sister.
Shouts echoed across the room as we hurried the boys to stop playing games and to come and eat.
The tv was turned on and a classic chinese music dvd slipped into the dvd player, adding melody to all the bustle.
We crowded around the kitchen bench, each with our own bowl of laksa, eating and singing along to the music.
I complained about not wanting to eat my egg whites, made fun of my cousin, and bickered playfully with my brother.
Complaints about the curry being spicy were made, tofu was stolen, chopsticks were dropped and soup was left over.

It was a long overdue family dinner. I had missed all the noise and clatter, smiles and laughter, joy and love.

It's been a while since we cooked dinner like that.
It's been a while since I acted like a big baby just because I wanted affection from you.
It's been a while since I'd seen that relaxed, genuine, pure smile and laugh.

I've missed those times, and even if they don't happen every day anymore, I'm glad for the time you made that night.

Because I've missed you.
And it's been a while...mum.

Having faith and belief in something, or someone, who does not give you any reason to have it, is hard.

But it's what I need from you.

If you can't give me that faith and belief, then I beg of you, just hide it.

So much more to say, but I'll leave it up to the moment it all comes out.
If there is that moment.

All cleared!

Nothing to worry about, nothing to fret about, no more not-part-of-the-plan-possible-impossibility to rack my brain about!

I think God said, "This girl's crazy. But let's take it easy on her this time, give her the answer straight away to save her from running back and forth like a headless chook trying to find its head."

And so, stage cleared!
Onto the next stage...

I wish I had power-ups to take with me. Like rocket blasters. :(

There are many, many, many things that are possible. Even the impossible.

But there are one or two every now and then, that are not possible. Not because they're impossible, but because they're not plausible. And they're not plausible not because they're not doable, they just aren't supposed to happen. It's not part of the plan.

Yet, for the past few weeks, maybe months, my mind has entertained one of these not-part-of-the-plan-possible-impossibilities. No, it is not something morbid or horrible.

Let's call it a child's heart.

So what can be done about this not-part-of-the-plan-possible-impossibility? I know it can't happen and won't happen, but I can't stamp out that flicker of hope. It shouldn't be there. It can't be there, because it goes against me. I can't go on thinking about funny (not in a humourous way) situations, and then smack myself because I shouldn't even think about the idea of it, let alone situations about it.

I know it's vague, and I've probably taken two ends of your brain* and tied it together in a bazillion knots with my weird, all over the place wording and thoughts. But just to put it out there, any ideas on how to stop my brain from playing chase with this idea even though I know it's not feasible?

I know some people will still tell me, "Anything's possible, maybe that's why you're still hoping" but I don't want to hope because it isn't part of the plan. And if it is, then not yet. Hope can come back when the time is right.

*Ever imagined if the brain was just one long cord all squashed and looped together, sort of like intestines? It sure looks like it could be unraveled, but I know it can't be, haha. But let's pretend here that the brain can be unwound from it's ball, into a long string of brain, just like you can do with intestines. And now I'll stop rambling on about my own imaginations of the human anatomy. Hehe.

Yup, I'm feeling happy, giddy, fluffy, wondrous, and something just swells inside of me.

I wanna spend my time with you

I keep falling back.

I lost myself unknowingly, but You came to find me...

*sigh*

What if two people's lives were so parallel that they could never meet?

I'm so pissed.

I'm moving forward, but you're still stuck in the same place. It was time to step out and step into a new path, so you've gotta move your legs or watch me go. I'm not coming after you anymore.

Come to me.

Today, I woke up earlier than usual (10am!!! Oh don't give me that look, it's a feat for me!) so I was really happy! Technically, it wasn't of my own accord, but at least I got out of bed, and stayed out of bed hehe...

It was a chilly winter morning, soft grey clouds littered throughout the skies but bore no rain, sharp wind cut swiftly through the piles of sleeping leaves, disturbing them from their slumber. The hands of the clock were barely past 7am, and the city was still stirring from its silent night. Somewhere in that city, the glass doors of a café swung open to start business for the day.

And there she was.

There she sat in the café, one of the first customers who had entered, a cup of hot coffee on the table beside her, watching the world pass her by.

She saw the business man walk in, checking his watch for the time and quickly order a cappuccino.

She saw the group of school kids walk in, chattering and bickering between themselves while trying to decide what they wanted.

She saw the mother walk in, telling the waitress how she worried whether her kids would wake up in time for school.

She saw the jogger walk in with his dog, slightly out of breath as he ordered an iced coffee, smiling sheepishly at the look that he got in response.

She saw the waitress drop a bag of coffee beans as she left the storeroom, an expression of exasperation on her face when she noticed them roll under the counter.

She watched the business man jump in reaction as his name was called, hurriedly grabbing his coffee with a quick thanks and rush out the door.

She watched the group of school kids take a seat at a table, and then each call out which order belonged to whom when the waiter brought over a tray full of coffee and hot chocolate.

She watched the mother give a warm smile of gratitude as she took her drink and muffin, starting a new conversation with the person behind her.

She watched the jogger tease his dog as he waited for his order, only to be dragged out the door by his pet after he picked up his drink.

She watched the waitress sweep up the fallen coffee beans, bending down the get the ones that had rolled under the counter.

The hands of the clock slowly swung around and landed quietly on 9 o’clock.

But no one had noticed the lady sitting in the corner with her now lukewarm coffee.

No one had realised, that during that time, her eyes had stopped seeing.

No one had realised, that her ears had stopped hearing.

That her heart had stopped beating.

And yet time continued to move forward, as she sat in the café, a cup of cold coffee on the table beside her, watching the world through lifeless eyes.

And it’s those days that I wish the wind would pick me up and whisk me away in its comforting embrace into my imagination.

The days when the sun shines gently upon the world, and we bask in it while squinting up, a smile graced on our face in gratitude.

The days when you dream that you were in a vast field, lush green grass and rolling hills spread over for miles never ending.

The days that you would wear a light, cotton summer dress, and run barefoot without a care in the world.

The days that the birds chirp proudly for you, the butterflies decide they want you to be their flower, and your dog would run in front of you, begging you to chase him with that cheeky grin of his.

It’s the kind of clichéd day that we all dream for, that we all wish to live in and not have to think about anything at all.

It was Saturday, and I was on my way to church from work. As I watched the rain start to drizzle down while I sat and waited on the church door step, I was having a conversation in my head with God. I was hoping and praying that someone would arrive and let me in, so that I wouldn't be found frozen and wet on the door step.

What do you know, just as I was about to fall asleep, a loud honk in the form of David's mum shocked me. I couldn't tell who it was at the time, and as I squinted through the rain, I smiled and praised God for keeping me company, and sending someone to save me from the wet.

But when I started to sing the song 'Rain Down' that night, I thought, "Being soaked and wet from God's presence raining down on me is something I definitely wouldn't mind, unlike after work..."

It's amazing.
Every single time.
Of course, it hadnt' occurred to me, until I was 100 metres away from church, that no one would be there at 5. I had only happily made my way there, looking forward to a night of praise and worship, and basking in God presence.
Yet He made sure that someone would arrive early to let me in.
He always takes care of me.
Which is why I truly, deep down with every inch of my heart, believe that whenever I do something for God so wholeheartedly, I don't even ask and He provides.

That night, I was elected to be apart of the Utmost Youth deacon team.
My feelings were mixed.
But the one part of me that wasn't confused, was the part that wanted to serve God wholeheartedly.
When I sat there at the table with the others during the meeting, I admit that I was a little overwhelmed and unsure.
Unsure where I would fit in.
And my human mind (you've got to love the human mind) started to think, again, whether I was in the right place.
Everyone seemed to fit, or have some sort of role that everyone could see them in.

Me?
I'm the youngest one there.
I still feel like I'm 15 half the time, for goodness sakes.
What am I supposed to do????
That was running through my head as roles were assigned, along with the thought that none of them really fit me either.
So where did I go?
I was the puzzle piece that looked like it fit in certain places, but actually didn't.

I will say, I went home feeling slightly out of sorts.

But the next morning, God once again answered all my questions and worries.
He made me realise that I'm actually ok not having a role.
I don't mind not having a 'title'.
Because a title is just a that, isn't it?
He made me realise, that I didn't care about not finding my place in the team.
Because I was part of it.
And that was all that mattered.
I was part of the team, and I was ready to serve Him where ever I was needed.
Whether it be helping out with organisation today, doing worship tomorrow, looking after money the next day, or just being there, I was happy to do that.
I was happy just being able to serve.

He showed me that, maybe, having a title would have made me think too much about it.
I would think about the title, and think of all the responsibilities under that title to be handled by me, and thus forget about the rest of the team being there to help out.
Then I'd continuously think whether I'm worthy enough to do the job.

So not having a role 'title', I'm happy.
I'll be there to help.
I'll be part of it.
With or without it, I'm still serving God.
I still want to serve God.
And that's all that matters.

So, to the rest of the team.
Too big of a cake for you to make in time?
I'll help out.
You do the filling, I'll do the icing.

God can sit back and enjoy.



And give us tips on how to make it taste better :)


So God's presence?
I'll continue to do all I can to stay in it.

Because I'm in love with the rain.

So, I finished my third exam today, and I have one more to go. But I feel like I've finished all of them already! Praise God for peace and harmony in the world! *grins*

For me, there's always so much to look forward to. Not that I mean no one else has anything to look forward to, but I think that I just like to look forward. Hmm, I don't think it makes much sense, but if you don't think too hard about what I said, it does make sense.
*interlude of music*
Haha~
So what am I looking forward to?
Well, I have work tomorrow, finally. It's been a while since I've had work, and I think I've forgotten some things...which is why I went and grabbed some notes last night.
Then there's prayer meeting on Wednesday, which I always look forward to.
Hummm...then on Saturday, it's work again (the back to work joy sort of wore off, but that's ok!), and after work...P&W NIGHT~~~
To put it more accurately, Richmond UTMOST Youth's P&W NIGHT~!!
Actually, I think we have a rehearsal on Friday, so put that in too, ha~
And then church on Sunday which is the youth service!

See? So many things coming up and makes me go "Onwards! To the future we shall march, soldiers! Hut, hut, hut!"

Let's just say, I'm so blessed that I can't contain it. KEKE.

And so I'm sharing my happiness from being so blessed, to everyone!
*emits happy waves*
Soak it up and enjoy the warmth of the sun dears~

I've decided to change the layout of this blog.
Previously, it was to be full of letters to God, but I've decided to keep them for myself, as I write them in my own time.
A partial reason for this decision may have been, although it hadn't occurred to me at first, was that I can't fully be wholehearted with God in those letters.
Why?
Because no matter what, I am conscious that there are people reading it.
It's supposed to be a letter to God, so why am I putting it up for others to read?
Exactly my point.
Obviously I've learned from it, and hence forth, this will now become a normal blog.

No Dear ____, just ramblings of my own thoughts and issues.

I'll keep my letters to God close to heart in my own secret place.
How I was a silly girl to think otherwise in the first place.

Dear God,

My time was up on the other side of town, and so I returned back to home sweet home on the west today.
It was a week of good fun, building relationships, fellowshipping, and laziness.
But I came out of it more mature, more understanding and more knowledgable. Hopefully. *grins*

I think I found out something I didn't really want to though. I think I've become a little indifferent to things, more than I'd like to be. Have I detached myself from some of my emotions without realising it?
Maybe it's time to try and reattach those heart strings, I didn't like that feeling of nothingness when I was supposed to feel anger. Even if I felt a little drop it would've relieved me a little, but I really felt none. And then I just felt like a horrible friend for not feeling any emotion at all towards the situation.

Or maybe it wasn't that I had detached myself from emotion. Maybe, it was that I had detached myself from reacting to that kind of situation. Which still isn't a good thing, but at least I've still got some feelings connected. Hm, I'm still figuring out how to fix that problem.

But I should really thank You, for everything that You did while I was up there. I was taken care of, protected, had a good time and was able to learn things that I wouldn't have been able to if I wasn't given the chance to be more independent. I was blessed while I was away from home, and You cared and watched over the rest of my family while I was gone too, so thank You Father.

I'm glad that I've now found a really, really, awesome brother because of You. You brought him into our family, and look! We haven't been happier :)
I hope that you can continue to bring more people into the family, because I really love everyone who's part of it. And so once again, the only words that can ever be said, thank You.

I hope that my sisters, both who have their own pain, will find comfort in You tonight. It relieved me that I saw one smiling and more at peace today, but I think the other might miss me keke
But really, I'm praying for both of them tonight, in addition with a few other secrets that I'll send via the clouds later :P

It must seem repetitive sometimes, but I never cease to be humbled by Your grace and awesomeness. Everyday, I always thank You for things, both big and little, yet I still know that there are things that I've overlooked or forgotten that You've blessed me with.
Hence I continue to pray and thank You, for both the things that You've given me which I have and haven't realised, and that You'll continue to bless me and the people around me.
I can only strive to become more like You, and hope that I'll become a better person so that others around me, especially those who don't know You yet, can see what they're missing out on.

I'd love to say bless You, for being so wonderful, but who would do that since You're the one blessing everyone? So hopefully, we'll all make You happy instead, so that You can sit back and watch the children You've moulded without feeling distraught that we aren't following Your ways.

with love,
your naive child.

Dear God,

It's been a few days that the southeast has become home, and also had a taste of independence.
And I've got to say, I could do this.
If there was a bread winner hehe.

But that aside, the past few days have been quite interesting.
I knew that I'd be able to survive on my own in a way (sort of, more like without a parent) but it's surprising when I think that I could do this at home too.
Take on my own responsibilities etc., but I don't.
Which is why I've learnt something, being away from home.
I think, and I hope, that when I get home, I'll continue doing things the way I have away from it.
So thank You, for giving me the opportunity to be able to mature a bit more :)

Contrary to other opinions, we haven't trashed the house...yet.
Hehe, no but seriously, we haven't.
And I've been able to fellowship and get to know a few people better, in particular a brother of mine.
It's times like these that I look up to You and say, thank You for letting such a wonderful person be in my life.
He's taken us shopping, and popped by for a surprise visit today, bearing gifts of goodies and treats.
Definitely a brother I never had, and I wouldn't have it any other way!
Thank you for the wafers, and tarts, and the karaoke, and for being awesome in general :)

Through all this, I can only remember constantly that the reason why I feel like life is so perfect right now, is because of You, my Father who watches over me constantly.
And the only thing that I can do is say thank You, and try to be a person who is pleasing to You for everyday of my life.

Thank You.

with love,
your naive child.

*warning: may be graphic and cryptic*

Dear God,

So I'm sitting here, in bed, laptop in my lap (the word proves to be literal), and not sleepy at 3am.
Good thing I don't have uni tomorrow.

For some unknown, and utterly annoying reason, I keep thinking back.
And frankly, I don't want to.

But my mind is wandering back to that time.

The feelings.
Scared, trembling, bare feet, jumped out the window I think it'll save us.
What happened.
Hands covered in blood, a smudge on the door, a smudge on the wall. Drops of it on the floor, slice. Under the tap, watching it disappear from my hands, but mentally there forever.
The noises, the thoughts. Voices.
I'm sorry, it's okay, it's not your fault, you're crazy, God please protect us.

Of course, it's happened. I'm over it. But sometimes when the mind wanders, it wanders.
And as much as I don't want it to, well, it's left a mark for the rest of my life.

Not to worry though, nothing will happen. They're just thoughts, and they'll stay that way.
But writing it helped release it.

Watch out, more coming, the next day.
Wow it swelled up, SO FAT, amusing and intriguing, horrifying and captivating at the same time. Just keep the saline coming. Great! It's fat and white.

I think I'm done.

Trembling breath, Lord give me peace.

Relieved that the 'night' is not pitch dark.

Looking forward to company, earthly distractions.

Father in heaven, when will I see You?

Pins and needles, numbing feet.

Oh for I know You're there, but I think I'm far again.

Why the fickleness? Human heart.

Do You give responsibility to draw me back?

I want it. Give me that reason, that force to push.

If so, then let it be.

with love,
forever your child, but not naive tonight.

P.S. whisper of the heart, thank you.

Dear God,

It's a sunshiney day~~~!
Both literally and metaphorically!

I "fellowshipped" with a best friend today!
And at the same time, quenched my thirst to shop for something, ANYTHING.
In doing so, burnt a little hole in my wallet...but I feel so satisfied.

It's like an itch that you can't scratch, and when you scratch it feels nice :)

I think I've become a bit attached to 'art'.
Not art of paper, canvas and acrylics, but art of face, beauty and glowing radiance.
I used to be so clueless, I never considered it!
But now I understand why some people love it.
It gives you this little boost of confidence, makes you feel pretty, even if you're not wearing it and only buying it!

A certain otaku and I are deciding to start our own 'devotion' time, and it might turn into a bible study someday.
And one day, slowly, a day at a time, we want to draw our circle of friends in.
Starting with the more open, easier ones, and then once we have the strength in more numbers, chip at the stubborn ones.
In my ideal happy future, I'd like to see my circle of friends all become believers of You and accept You as their Lord and Saviour.
I'd love for them to see the wonderful things you have in store for them, and hopefully I can be a living example of the kind of person they can be.
Of course I have my flaws, but maybe they'll see past that, maybe they'll see that even with the flaws I'm so content and happy.
With Your power, we will be able to bring our circle of friends together with us, so that we can become sisters!

Thank You, for the simple happiness that You've given me.
Thank You, for the peace that You've given me.
Thank You for everything that You've given me; friends, family, but especially the peace and happiness that You and they bring.

Because without them, who would I be?

with love,
your naive child.

P.S. I was listening to a song, Breathless by Shayne Ward. And even though the rest of the lyrics are completely irrelevant (and I secretly wish that someone would sing that to me, the lyrics are so nice!), the song reminded me of You. You really do leave me breathless sometimes! And the music (maybe different lyrics) would be nice for a day when I could spend time with You, in an open field of rolling hills and grass, and I'd lay there by myself and stare up to where You are, while You shape the clouds for my amusement. Until the day comes...

Dear God,

So Wednesday prayer meeting was good. Or so I thought.

Why do some people willingly choose to inflict harm upon themselves?
Some say they can't help it, but it's a choice is it not?
Why do some people choose the hard way and not the easy way?
It is because the hard way looks easier? Maybe it's littered with hidden traps.
So, once again, why do they not heed the advice of others?
I mean, I'm not saying I'm absolutely right and everyone should obey me, but give me a little credit here. I'm not completely wrong, and I'm sure that the things I say are better than what they do.

I tried the nice way.
Didn't seem to work.
And now I'm trying the not so nice way.
But not only does it seem like it's not working either, but it's also hurting me and making me feel unsettled to do it that way.

They say that they're scared they'll find out I'm dead in a ditch one day?
I'm going to throw that back at them.
I'm terrified that one day I'll find them lying in a pool of their own blood.
In addition to that, I'm scared that part of the reason could be me and my not so nice way.

So do I go back to the nice way?
Because that's not going to work.
And the not so nice way just makes them run, run and run.

It makes me so irritated that they have all this love around them, but they keep clinging to that rock that has sharp edges and is cutting their fingers.
That's what it looks like to me.
To put it in an even more visual context, it also looks like this.
They keep hanging onto that sharp ledge, which is cutting their fingers and hurting them, of that building that the evil little red man pushed them out of, but they don't realise that they little red man was stupid and pushed them out of a window that was two metres from the ground. Therefore, there's a solid, concrete, ground of love about two inches from their feet, but because they don't have that courage to let go and let other people help them down, they keep hanging on and let the little red man step on their fingers.

Why hang on to something that is cutting you to bits?
Why keep 'friends' that don't like you for who you are, and 'constantly send subliminal messages of hate to you'?
Why try to hide yourself from 'questions, judgements, assumptions and problems' when they're not all bad?
Why detach yourself from emotion?

I'm going to take that last question personally. Detaching yourself from emotion, all good and bad ones huh? Yeah okay, go on and detach yourself. I'll now take that as you don't care about me anymore. Thanks.

Instead of trying to get rid of the poison, they go and encourage it. Great stuff you've got there.
Just take my antidote and smash it to the ground along with everything else, such as the love, words and tears.

Yeah I'm bitter. But Father in heaven, I earnestly pray that you'll slap them awake for me.
Because I'm about this close to actually slapping them.
Which would then bring about feelings of unsettling because it's not something I do.

There's more I want to say, but Father I'll hold it in because you're telling me that that is not something I should say. At least not now.

All I see is 'I'. Whatever happened to 'we'?
'I' am not coping with the trials of youth?
Well that's because you aren't letting us help you carry some of it.
'I' picked a poison and drank it.
See? Bad choice.

The antidote is still in my hands.
Correction, the antidote is still in our hands, is it not Father?
Our hands. You, our Father's hands, my hands, our family's hands.
So just take it already!
We've all got a bit of it, and I think mine is running out. The only reason why it hasn't is because You keep refilling it for me, because love keeps refilling it for me.

Love that ain't going nowhere.
I hope they hear that.
You, our Father, ain't going nowhere.
No matter how far, how fast, how long they run, they aren't getting away.
No matter how tall, how strong, how thick their wall is, they can't hide forever.

So Father, I hope they hear what we're saying.
They refuse to believe that they're smart, and for this section, they're right.
Isn't that why You're the teacher? Yet they refuse to learn, and continue saying that they are stupid. Now that, irritates me.

Father, I hope that when You read this letter, You'll give me another love boost.
And patience.
And I pray that You'll either let me know the right way to do it, or You'll kick the little red man in the nuts so that he'll stop messing with us.

with love,
your naive child.

Dear God,

Just a few minutes ago, we got a visit from someone.
The someone who is part of the reason behind my family demise.
The someone who, the mere sight of, makes my grandmother scared.
The someone who is the reason behind the scar on my thumb.
The someone, who I was halfway on the journey of forgiveness for, until they messed it up a month ago and therefore sent me back to square one.

That visit was unexpected.
They were just there.
No warning.
No future notice.
I guess it was a good thing.
Because if there was forewarning, it might have given time for bad feelings to develop.

Like feelings of irritation.
Feelings of anger.
Feelings of dislike.
All because I would've known that I'd be seeing that person.

But I didn't.
I didn't know they'd be there.
I didn't know I'd be seeing them.
Therefore, there were no bad feelings.

It was just...blank.
Unsure? Maybe.
I wasn't sure what I was supposed to be feeling.
There was none.

I suppose it's a good thing.
Because now, I don't think that I'll have that many bad feelings towards this person again.
Does that mean that I'm once again on the journey of forgiveness, and that I was already a mile on it without realising it?
Because if I didn't realise it, I think I do now.
I think I'm on the journey of forgiveness...without consciously stepping onto it.

Did You take me there?
Were You leading me on the journey all along?
Dragging me behind You?
No, maybe You were carrying me on it.
Maybe that's why I didn't realise I don't harbour harsh feelings towards that person anymore.
Maybe that's why I started feeling pity for this person, after my initial feelings of strong dislike passed over.
Maybe, because of a certain epiphany that I had not too long ago, it helped me to dissolve those feelings of strong dislike.

I hope that this person really, really wakes up.
No, I hope that they have woken up.
To what they've done.
I hope that apology and the tears weren't fake.
I hope that they weren't crocodile tears like the many times before.

Because I hope this time, I can stay away from the feelings of disliking them.
I don't want to dislike them.
I want to forgive them.
I want to trust them again.

I want to have my dad back.

with love,
your naive child.

Dear God,

On Saturday, we had a pampering day for Mother's Day! It was very fun, I was part of the make up booth, and I think I managed to not make anyone look hideous.
It was a little sad for me because mum couldn't make it, and when I said my speech I cried. I suppose, I am, in the words of Donna, "a sooky-la-la" aren't I? I'd like to say that I am not, and I just get easily emotionally overwhelmed. Hehe.
I think the all the mothers had fun, and we even took photos too! Since mum wasn't there, Donna was our mother for the photo :)
All in all, it was an awesome day, even the food was great!

Another great thing that happened was, I got to talk to my sister. After going all ASOIDFAUWIEHF on her, I knew I needed to talk to her asap. And I'm glad I got to talk to her because it helped me understand what she hadn't said, and also understand that she was all ASODUFAHPUIHF at the time of her post too. I was so glad and relieved that she actually is holding Your hand, and that she does trust You! It was like this huge weight just lifted off my chest knowing that she does trust in You! Thank goodness, I was so ready to talk her ear off for making me worry so much! But I didn't, and through the talk we were able to understand each other more, bond more and once again, become closer sisters!

Yesterday though, I wasn't able to go to church :(
Mum had to work, and we only found out while we got ready. By then, it was too late to call someone to ask for a lift and so we didn't end up going.
At the time, I hadn't realised that people were worried about me, and I apologise for making them worry :(
I guess, in a way, it made me feel a little happy, knowing that there are people who will worry when they don't see me. It makes me feel loved. And Father, You know just how grateful I am that I'm part of this unbelievably wonderful family full of beautiful people!

I thank You, Father.
For a wonderful family that I never would've had without You.
For all the things that You've given me, even when I don't ask.
For my situation too, even though it isn't the best, but because of it I've been so blessed in other ways.

And I thank You for making me remember something funny.

"Wear LOVE. It's the new black."

I am so glad I got to hear that poem. Absolutely hilarious!

I feel so content right now.

with love,
your naive child.

Dear God,

Today, started off great, and almost ended great.
I woke up early today, and actually got out of the house at 7:30. What a feat!
Enjoyed myself at uni, and looked at unexpected marks for chemistry. I mean WOW. Thanks a bunch, because I was almost positive I didn't pass, and yet look what You gave me! You never fail to amaze me. And for that, a BAJILLION thank yous!

I had a peaceful ride home, until I realised that the people I was sitting in front of weren't exactly the best people I liked to come across. They were rolling up something...let's hope it was normal cigarettes. I'm so glad You were sitting next to me and glaring them off, because I was a bit worried they might say something to me.

Then after I got home, came the time to accompany my sister to parent/teacher interviews. And it was in the car afterwards that I, once again, praise You. Mum, sister and I actually got to talk to each other, for the first time. We were able to get some things out onto the plate, and from only eggs, rice and spring onion, we were able to get fried rice. We all understand each other a little bit more, and I'm so glad we were able to have the chance to talk. I thank You that You were consistently present during the talk, otherwise it might not have gone the way it did. There's another bottle of love from me to You :)

All was well, until I sat down and decided to check my blog. From there, I went to my sister's blog. And I saw a post that really let me down.
Didn't we get through to her yesterday?
Didn't anything we say hit her and stay there?
Did it sort of stick for a while and then slide off?
Did I do enough on my part?
I thought I did, and hope that she just needs to catch up and do her part now.

LITTLE RED MAN!
Now that you can't mess with me anymore, you go and mess with my sister?!
THAT AIN'T GONNA STAND.
Yeah, you agree with me too don't you Father?

I pray that she will pick up Your sword, and feel the strength, courage and love that will flow through her!
I pray that she will use Your sword to strike down the little red man!
And I pray, that she will call out for back up if she needs it!
Because if Your sword isn't enough, then You will come instead!

And then there's going to be trouble for the little red man!

I posted a reply to my sister's blog.
It started off very agro, but I hope she knows that I don't mean it.
I wouldn't actually slap her physically.

Maybe he was right.
What do you think Father?
He did say that he didn't have enough time. And that if he did, he would've pushed harder.
Maybe he was right, and that if he was able to push harder, it might have clicked and stayed.

Like a button, one of those that snap together.
If you push the them together, but not hard enough, it won't stay, and so your bag will be open and bugs can crawl in.
But if you push hard enough, it'll snap closed, and it will stay closed. Then those bugs won't be able to get back in after you throw them out.

A disappointing end to a great start, but it's not as bad as it could have been.
I only hope that my reaction wasn't wrong. It was human, but I hope it doesn't make things worse.

I know You'll watch over my sister. Just like You do over me.
But I pray that she'll hold Your hand.
Just like I am.

with love,
your naive child.

Dear God,

Today, I woke up with motivation! And it was without the alarm! PRAISE YOU!
I think I slept through my alarm, but I ended up waking at 9:30 anyway (were you poking my head to wake me?), and didn't even think of going back to sleep! Instead, I had the feeling every uni student should have, to get up and hurry because I didn't want to be late for class! Take that you little red man!
Just thinking about this morning makes me feel happy inside again! I can see you laughing and smiling as you nod your head in encouragement that I've done well! May I keep on going forth strong just as like this morning, as long as I keep holding your hand I'll be fine!

Since today is was Wednesday, it was also time for the weekly prayer meeting. As has become a part of that weekly meeting, I went to a dear sister's house to go together to the meeting. Little did we know, that meeting would be one of tears, openness, bonding and peace.

We talked about how You are LOVE. We talked about how each of us weren't an accident, and how You love each individual so much without end. And I think it hit a chord with all of us, in particular one person.

Today, my sister was challenged. She was put forward to hear what she didn't want to hear, but I think it was the right thing. She needed to hear it, and after that, she admitted her problem out loud. It was absolutely brilliant to hear her say so, because I think it's the first step to healing. I think today she was able to hear, and maybe start to accept, that the rest of us who were there and those who weren't there, were all siblings who could work through her dilemma with her.

I pray that after today, she starts to understand that she needs to break down that wall, that casket she has created, in order for her true self, the one that You, our Father, our Daddy, made and crafted delicately by hand, the true self that You love and want to see.
I thank you that Your spirit touched her heart so that she was able to open up to us, her siblings who love her so much she doesn't even realise.

I also talked to a couple of important people today. Although I hadn't known them for long, it seemed like I had been with them forever.
I told them about me.
About home.
About my family.
About something that, apart from them, only three other people outside of family know.
I think in doing so, I received great encouragement in how I'm dealing, and how I can continue in the future. Not only that, but how I can also be help and support for the rest of my family.
I'm so grateful that You brought them to me.
I get amazed and wondrous every single time You do something like this. Even when I realise the little things that You've done for me, I get blown away all over again.
And I know a little secret.
I know, that You do all this because You love me!
And I love You too! :)

I think today was awesome, when can we have another one?
Okay...I'll say please.
Can I please have another wondrous day like today?
Everyday? Really?
Thank you!

with love,
your naive child.

Dear God,

Today, I woke up feeling like I wanted to go to uni. And the reason? A certain person. So that was my motivation for going to uni, for about ten minutes. And then I reasoned with my self once again, and decided I didn't want that person to be the reason why I'd go to uni. Henceforth, I lost my motivation, and thus didn't go to uni.

Does that make me a bad person, again?

Does it make me a bad person, because the reason that I woke up with today, and the reason I wanted to go to uni today, was because of a certain person who could and should almost be considered insignificant in my life?

Or, does it make me a bad person, because I rejected my motivation, and therefore did not to go to uni?

I think my conclusion, whatever the reason may be, is that I'm letting that little red man with two horns play with my weaknesses a bit too much.

And the best part?
I know, yet I'm not doing anything about it.
Well, not trying hard enough to do anything about it.

And so today, I write with a heavy heart, in knowing that I did something wrong, on purpose.
Then there goes the little mantra repeating in my head while the little red man dances around.
"Horrible. Horrible. Horrible. You're a horrible child. You've sinned again, and you've done it on purpose again, and you're a horrible, horrible child for doing this to your Father!"

Will there be a day when you will stop forgiving me? I'm scared to ask that aloud.

I pray, please, make the little red man go away.
Make him disappear.
Make him stop taunting me.
I know he'll come back, but every time that he does, please hold my hand and stand with me.
So that I'll be strong enough to fight him.
So that I'll be strong enough to ignore him.
So that I'll be strong enough to do what you want me to do.
To do what my Father, my Daddy, wants me to do.

Thus, I put my foot forward right now.
I will take hold of my Father's hand, and I will stand strong and declare.

Tomorrow, I will go to uni.
On Friday, I will go to uni.
Next week, I will go to uni.
I will no longer let the little red man tell me I can stay home and let time whither away.
I will go to uni, so that I may do what you have told me to do.
And, I will become a child who is pleasing to You!
So that I can see a smile on Your face as You say to me, "You've done well my child, you've done well."

with love,
your naive child.

P.S. I think I saw the little red man run away. He said that he'll be back, but I'm not scared. I'll be ready next time. Because I'm holding my Daddy's hand.

Dear God,

Today, I decided to start a blog.
Well, on blogspot anyway, seeing as I already have one over at wordpress, but that one was for a different purpose.

Last night, I decided to spend some time meditating, and for once, reading and soaking up Your words. I find it easier to write letters to you as a prayer, rather than sit there and pray. It really helps with the feeling that I have a relationship with you. It feels like we're friends, like father-daughter, through the letters it feels like I can actually have a conversation and wait for your reply.
I hope to make that a daily occurrence, it feels nice :)

Hopefully, through this blog, which will be an outlet for letters, and in the future maybe for actual blogs, I'll learn some things. Expose some things. Find some things.

with love,
your naive child.