*warning: may be graphic and cryptic*

Dear God,

So I'm sitting here, in bed, laptop in my lap (the word proves to be literal), and not sleepy at 3am.
Good thing I don't have uni tomorrow.

For some unknown, and utterly annoying reason, I keep thinking back.
And frankly, I don't want to.

But my mind is wandering back to that time.

The feelings.
Scared, trembling, bare feet, jumped out the window I think it'll save us.
What happened.
Hands covered in blood, a smudge on the door, a smudge on the wall. Drops of it on the floor, slice. Under the tap, watching it disappear from my hands, but mentally there forever.
The noises, the thoughts. Voices.
I'm sorry, it's okay, it's not your fault, you're crazy, God please protect us.

Of course, it's happened. I'm over it. But sometimes when the mind wanders, it wanders.
And as much as I don't want it to, well, it's left a mark for the rest of my life.

Not to worry though, nothing will happen. They're just thoughts, and they'll stay that way.
But writing it helped release it.

Watch out, more coming, the next day.
Wow it swelled up, SO FAT, amusing and intriguing, horrifying and captivating at the same time. Just keep the saline coming. Great! It's fat and white.

I think I'm done.

Trembling breath, Lord give me peace.

Relieved that the 'night' is not pitch dark.

Looking forward to company, earthly distractions.

Father in heaven, when will I see You?

Pins and needles, numbing feet.

Oh for I know You're there, but I think I'm far again.

Why the fickleness? Human heart.

Do You give responsibility to draw me back?

I want it. Give me that reason, that force to push.

If so, then let it be.

with love,
forever your child, but not naive tonight.

P.S. whisper of the heart, thank you.