I know it's been an awfully long time since I've posted on here, and nobody probably reads this blog anymore, but that's okay. I'm just going to use it as my own little outlet for now.

Originally, I hadn't planned to post anything again...the reason being that I felt that I didn't have anything to post anymore. But every now and then, I'd want to just type something, write something, something which I couldn't talk about, and didn't do any good being chewed back and forth in my mind (I think my mind started to chew itself). I tried simply typing it into Notepad...but felt that it was all for nought when I would press close and not save it.

Thus, this blog comes back into use purely because I didn't want my typing to all go to the bin, and if I saved the file then it would sit on my computer forever, and when opened again to be read, I'd feel utterly stupid. There's just something different about posting on a blog.

But I digress from what I originally wanted to write.

There are times, when you're on a fence. You can either sit on that fence, and be perfectly fine and content, or you can choose to jump off and walk to either side.
My fence only has one side for me to walk, but I'm not sure whether I want to jump off the fence. I'm not even sure whether I'm ever going to, or whether I'm supposed to. Maybe a fence is a really bad metaphor (on second thought, it is really bad).
Sometimes there are things that we can make decisions for. Decisions whether we want to pursue, or to leave quiet. But what if, when pursued, it doesn't yield a favourable result? I'm not worried about myself, I only worry about others that may be affected during pursuit, if in the case that I realise that the pursuit hasn't resulted in what I expected, and so I stop and realise that it should have been left quiet.
Yet again, if I don't pursue, then I will never know. I will never know what the possible result could have been. Maybe I'm scared to know. I'm scared if it doesn't turn out positive, and turns out negative instead.

At the moment, it seems most likely that I will jump off that fence. But Lord, please help me, Holy Spirit guide me, and if it doesn't result, forgive me.
The past week has been quite...interesting, to say the least.

When I received a few messages varying different moods last week, I didn't know what to make of them. But in hindsight, they were probably a heads up :)

I've never been one to look towards and plan vigourously for the future. It's always been what's happening now, and going through each day one at a time. Some may say it's reckless to not prepare for the future, but I have faith!

So the future will continue to be in His hands, as it has been all along.
All for Him, and all by His will...after all, He knows best.

All glory be to God!
You know what I meant, but two can play this game.

Ball is back on your side now...

You must've remembered what I had said.

After a day of shopping and hanging out with friends who I hadn't seen recently, I came home to a long awaited and dearly missed evening.

It's been a while since I've come home at that time, shopped for groceries, and cooked dinner with you like that.

Noise filled the house as the sounds of chopping vegetables, clanging pots and pans, bickering and laughter mixed together on that warm spring afternoon.
Water bubbled nicely in the pot, soon to be turned into curry laksa, and I had a boiled egg peeling race with my sister.
Shouts echoed across the room as we hurried the boys to stop playing games and to come and eat.
The tv was turned on and a classic chinese music dvd slipped into the dvd player, adding melody to all the bustle.
We crowded around the kitchen bench, each with our own bowl of laksa, eating and singing along to the music.
I complained about not wanting to eat my egg whites, made fun of my cousin, and bickered playfully with my brother.
Complaints about the curry being spicy were made, tofu was stolen, chopsticks were dropped and soup was left over.

It was a long overdue family dinner. I had missed all the noise and clatter, smiles and laughter, joy and love.

It's been a while since we cooked dinner like that.
It's been a while since I acted like a big baby just because I wanted affection from you.
It's been a while since I'd seen that relaxed, genuine, pure smile and laugh.

I've missed those times, and even if they don't happen every day anymore, I'm glad for the time you made that night.

Because I've missed you.
And it's been a while...mum.
Having faith and belief in something, or someone, who does not give you any reason to have it, is hard.

But it's what I need from you.

If you can't give me that faith and belief, then I beg of you, just hide it.

So much more to say, but I'll leave it up to the moment it all comes out.
If there is that moment.
All cleared!

Nothing to worry about, nothing to fret about, no more not-part-of-the-plan-possible-impossibility to rack my brain about!

I think God said, "This girl's crazy. But let's take it easy on her this time, give her the answer straight away to save her from running back and forth like a headless chook trying to find its head."

And so, stage cleared!
Onto the next stage...

I wish I had power-ups to take with me. Like rocket blasters. :(
There are many, many, many things that are possible. Even the impossible.

But there are one or two every now and then, that are not possible. Not because they're impossible, but because they're not plausible. And they're not plausible not because they're not doable, they just aren't supposed to happen. It's not part of the plan.

Yet, for the past few weeks, maybe months, my mind has entertained one of these not-part-of-the-plan-possible-impossibilities. No, it is not something morbid or horrible.

Let's call it a child's heart.

So what can be done about this not-part-of-the-plan-possible-impossibility? I know it can't happen and won't happen, but I can't stamp out that flicker of hope. It shouldn't be there. It can't be there, because it goes against me. I can't go on thinking about funny (not in a humourous way) situations, and then smack myself because I shouldn't even think about the idea of it, let alone situations about it.

I know it's vague, and I've probably taken two ends of your brain* and tied it together in a bazillion knots with my weird, all over the place wording and thoughts. But just to put it out there, any ideas on how to stop my brain from playing chase with this idea even though I know it's not feasible?

I know some people will still tell me, "Anything's possible, maybe that's why you're still hoping" but I don't want to hope because it isn't part of the plan. And if it is, then not yet. Hope can come back when the time is right.

*Ever imagined if the brain was just one long cord all squashed and looped together, sort of like intestines? It sure looks like it could be unraveled, but I know it can't be, haha. But let's pretend here that the brain can be unwound from it's ball, into a long string of brain, just like you can do with intestines. And now I'll stop rambling on about my own imaginations of the human anatomy. Hehe.