*warning: may be graphic and cryptic*

Dear God,

So I'm sitting here, in bed, laptop in my lap (the word proves to be literal), and not sleepy at 3am.
Good thing I don't have uni tomorrow.

For some unknown, and utterly annoying reason, I keep thinking back.
And frankly, I don't want to.

But my mind is wandering back to that time.

The feelings.
Scared, trembling, bare feet, jumped out the window I think it'll save us.
What happened.
Hands covered in blood, a smudge on the door, a smudge on the wall. Drops of it on the floor, slice. Under the tap, watching it disappear from my hands, but mentally there forever.
The noises, the thoughts. Voices.
I'm sorry, it's okay, it's not your fault, you're crazy, God please protect us.

Of course, it's happened. I'm over it. But sometimes when the mind wanders, it wanders.
And as much as I don't want it to, well, it's left a mark for the rest of my life.

Not to worry though, nothing will happen. They're just thoughts, and they'll stay that way.
But writing it helped release it.

Watch out, more coming, the next day.
Wow it swelled up, SO FAT, amusing and intriguing, horrifying and captivating at the same time. Just keep the saline coming. Great! It's fat and white.

I think I'm done.

Trembling breath, Lord give me peace.

Relieved that the 'night' is not pitch dark.

Looking forward to company, earthly distractions.

Father in heaven, when will I see You?

Pins and needles, numbing feet.

Oh for I know You're there, but I think I'm far again.

Why the fickleness? Human heart.

Do You give responsibility to draw me back?

I want it. Give me that reason, that force to push.

If so, then let it be.

with love,
forever your child, but not naive tonight.

P.S. whisper of the heart, thank you.

Dear God,

It's a sunshiney day~~~!
Both literally and metaphorically!

I "fellowshipped" with a best friend today!
And at the same time, quenched my thirst to shop for something, ANYTHING.
In doing so, burnt a little hole in my wallet...but I feel so satisfied.

It's like an itch that you can't scratch, and when you scratch it feels nice :)

I think I've become a bit attached to 'art'.
Not art of paper, canvas and acrylics, but art of face, beauty and glowing radiance.
I used to be so clueless, I never considered it!
But now I understand why some people love it.
It gives you this little boost of confidence, makes you feel pretty, even if you're not wearing it and only buying it!

A certain otaku and I are deciding to start our own 'devotion' time, and it might turn into a bible study someday.
And one day, slowly, a day at a time, we want to draw our circle of friends in.
Starting with the more open, easier ones, and then once we have the strength in more numbers, chip at the stubborn ones.
In my ideal happy future, I'd like to see my circle of friends all become believers of You and accept You as their Lord and Saviour.
I'd love for them to see the wonderful things you have in store for them, and hopefully I can be a living example of the kind of person they can be.
Of course I have my flaws, but maybe they'll see past that, maybe they'll see that even with the flaws I'm so content and happy.
With Your power, we will be able to bring our circle of friends together with us, so that we can become sisters!

Thank You, for the simple happiness that You've given me.
Thank You, for the peace that You've given me.
Thank You for everything that You've given me; friends, family, but especially the peace and happiness that You and they bring.

Because without them, who would I be?

with love,
your naive child.

P.S. I was listening to a song, Breathless by Shayne Ward. And even though the rest of the lyrics are completely irrelevant (and I secretly wish that someone would sing that to me, the lyrics are so nice!), the song reminded me of You. You really do leave me breathless sometimes! And the music (maybe different lyrics) would be nice for a day when I could spend time with You, in an open field of rolling hills and grass, and I'd lay there by myself and stare up to where You are, while You shape the clouds for my amusement. Until the day comes...

Dear God,

So Wednesday prayer meeting was good. Or so I thought.

Why do some people willingly choose to inflict harm upon themselves?
Some say they can't help it, but it's a choice is it not?
Why do some people choose the hard way and not the easy way?
It is because the hard way looks easier? Maybe it's littered with hidden traps.
So, once again, why do they not heed the advice of others?
I mean, I'm not saying I'm absolutely right and everyone should obey me, but give me a little credit here. I'm not completely wrong, and I'm sure that the things I say are better than what they do.

I tried the nice way.
Didn't seem to work.
And now I'm trying the not so nice way.
But not only does it seem like it's not working either, but it's also hurting me and making me feel unsettled to do it that way.

They say that they're scared they'll find out I'm dead in a ditch one day?
I'm going to throw that back at them.
I'm terrified that one day I'll find them lying in a pool of their own blood.
In addition to that, I'm scared that part of the reason could be me and my not so nice way.

So do I go back to the nice way?
Because that's not going to work.
And the not so nice way just makes them run, run and run.

It makes me so irritated that they have all this love around them, but they keep clinging to that rock that has sharp edges and is cutting their fingers.
That's what it looks like to me.
To put it in an even more visual context, it also looks like this.
They keep hanging onto that sharp ledge, which is cutting their fingers and hurting them, of that building that the evil little red man pushed them out of, but they don't realise that they little red man was stupid and pushed them out of a window that was two metres from the ground. Therefore, there's a solid, concrete, ground of love about two inches from their feet, but because they don't have that courage to let go and let other people help them down, they keep hanging on and let the little red man step on their fingers.

Why hang on to something that is cutting you to bits?
Why keep 'friends' that don't like you for who you are, and 'constantly send subliminal messages of hate to you'?
Why try to hide yourself from 'questions, judgements, assumptions and problems' when they're not all bad?
Why detach yourself from emotion?

I'm going to take that last question personally. Detaching yourself from emotion, all good and bad ones huh? Yeah okay, go on and detach yourself. I'll now take that as you don't care about me anymore. Thanks.

Instead of trying to get rid of the poison, they go and encourage it. Great stuff you've got there.
Just take my antidote and smash it to the ground along with everything else, such as the love, words and tears.

Yeah I'm bitter. But Father in heaven, I earnestly pray that you'll slap them awake for me.
Because I'm about this close to actually slapping them.
Which would then bring about feelings of unsettling because it's not something I do.

There's more I want to say, but Father I'll hold it in because you're telling me that that is not something I should say. At least not now.

All I see is 'I'. Whatever happened to 'we'?
'I' am not coping with the trials of youth?
Well that's because you aren't letting us help you carry some of it.
'I' picked a poison and drank it.
See? Bad choice.

The antidote is still in my hands.
Correction, the antidote is still in our hands, is it not Father?
Our hands. You, our Father's hands, my hands, our family's hands.
So just take it already!
We've all got a bit of it, and I think mine is running out. The only reason why it hasn't is because You keep refilling it for me, because love keeps refilling it for me.

Love that ain't going nowhere.
I hope they hear that.
You, our Father, ain't going nowhere.
No matter how far, how fast, how long they run, they aren't getting away.
No matter how tall, how strong, how thick their wall is, they can't hide forever.

So Father, I hope they hear what we're saying.
They refuse to believe that they're smart, and for this section, they're right.
Isn't that why You're the teacher? Yet they refuse to learn, and continue saying that they are stupid. Now that, irritates me.

Father, I hope that when You read this letter, You'll give me another love boost.
And patience.
And I pray that You'll either let me know the right way to do it, or You'll kick the little red man in the nuts so that he'll stop messing with us.

with love,
your naive child.

Dear God,

Just a few minutes ago, we got a visit from someone.
The someone who is part of the reason behind my family demise.
The someone who, the mere sight of, makes my grandmother scared.
The someone who is the reason behind the scar on my thumb.
The someone, who I was halfway on the journey of forgiveness for, until they messed it up a month ago and therefore sent me back to square one.

That visit was unexpected.
They were just there.
No warning.
No future notice.
I guess it was a good thing.
Because if there was forewarning, it might have given time for bad feelings to develop.

Like feelings of irritation.
Feelings of anger.
Feelings of dislike.
All because I would've known that I'd be seeing that person.

But I didn't.
I didn't know they'd be there.
I didn't know I'd be seeing them.
Therefore, there were no bad feelings.

It was just...blank.
Unsure? Maybe.
I wasn't sure what I was supposed to be feeling.
There was none.

I suppose it's a good thing.
Because now, I don't think that I'll have that many bad feelings towards this person again.
Does that mean that I'm once again on the journey of forgiveness, and that I was already a mile on it without realising it?
Because if I didn't realise it, I think I do now.
I think I'm on the journey of forgiveness...without consciously stepping onto it.

Did You take me there?
Were You leading me on the journey all along?
Dragging me behind You?
No, maybe You were carrying me on it.
Maybe that's why I didn't realise I don't harbour harsh feelings towards that person anymore.
Maybe that's why I started feeling pity for this person, after my initial feelings of strong dislike passed over.
Maybe, because of a certain epiphany that I had not too long ago, it helped me to dissolve those feelings of strong dislike.

I hope that this person really, really wakes up.
No, I hope that they have woken up.
To what they've done.
I hope that apology and the tears weren't fake.
I hope that they weren't crocodile tears like the many times before.

Because I hope this time, I can stay away from the feelings of disliking them.
I don't want to dislike them.
I want to forgive them.
I want to trust them again.

I want to have my dad back.

with love,
your naive child.

Dear God,

On Saturday, we had a pampering day for Mother's Day! It was very fun, I was part of the make up booth, and I think I managed to not make anyone look hideous.
It was a little sad for me because mum couldn't make it, and when I said my speech I cried. I suppose, I am, in the words of Donna, "a sooky-la-la" aren't I? I'd like to say that I am not, and I just get easily emotionally overwhelmed. Hehe.
I think the all the mothers had fun, and we even took photos too! Since mum wasn't there, Donna was our mother for the photo :)
All in all, it was an awesome day, even the food was great!

Another great thing that happened was, I got to talk to my sister. After going all ASOIDFAUWIEHF on her, I knew I needed to talk to her asap. And I'm glad I got to talk to her because it helped me understand what she hadn't said, and also understand that she was all ASODUFAHPUIHF at the time of her post too. I was so glad and relieved that she actually is holding Your hand, and that she does trust You! It was like this huge weight just lifted off my chest knowing that she does trust in You! Thank goodness, I was so ready to talk her ear off for making me worry so much! But I didn't, and through the talk we were able to understand each other more, bond more and once again, become closer sisters!

Yesterday though, I wasn't able to go to church :(
Mum had to work, and we only found out while we got ready. By then, it was too late to call someone to ask for a lift and so we didn't end up going.
At the time, I hadn't realised that people were worried about me, and I apologise for making them worry :(
I guess, in a way, it made me feel a little happy, knowing that there are people who will worry when they don't see me. It makes me feel loved. And Father, You know just how grateful I am that I'm part of this unbelievably wonderful family full of beautiful people!

I thank You, Father.
For a wonderful family that I never would've had without You.
For all the things that You've given me, even when I don't ask.
For my situation too, even though it isn't the best, but because of it I've been so blessed in other ways.

And I thank You for making me remember something funny.

"Wear LOVE. It's the new black."

I am so glad I got to hear that poem. Absolutely hilarious!

I feel so content right now.

with love,
your naive child.

Dear God,

Today, started off great, and almost ended great.
I woke up early today, and actually got out of the house at 7:30. What a feat!
Enjoyed myself at uni, and looked at unexpected marks for chemistry. I mean WOW. Thanks a bunch, because I was almost positive I didn't pass, and yet look what You gave me! You never fail to amaze me. And for that, a BAJILLION thank yous!

I had a peaceful ride home, until I realised that the people I was sitting in front of weren't exactly the best people I liked to come across. They were rolling up something...let's hope it was normal cigarettes. I'm so glad You were sitting next to me and glaring them off, because I was a bit worried they might say something to me.

Then after I got home, came the time to accompany my sister to parent/teacher interviews. And it was in the car afterwards that I, once again, praise You. Mum, sister and I actually got to talk to each other, for the first time. We were able to get some things out onto the plate, and from only eggs, rice and spring onion, we were able to get fried rice. We all understand each other a little bit more, and I'm so glad we were able to have the chance to talk. I thank You that You were consistently present during the talk, otherwise it might not have gone the way it did. There's another bottle of love from me to You :)

All was well, until I sat down and decided to check my blog. From there, I went to my sister's blog. And I saw a post that really let me down.
Didn't we get through to her yesterday?
Didn't anything we say hit her and stay there?
Did it sort of stick for a while and then slide off?
Did I do enough on my part?
I thought I did, and hope that she just needs to catch up and do her part now.

LITTLE RED MAN!
Now that you can't mess with me anymore, you go and mess with my sister?!
THAT AIN'T GONNA STAND.
Yeah, you agree with me too don't you Father?

I pray that she will pick up Your sword, and feel the strength, courage and love that will flow through her!
I pray that she will use Your sword to strike down the little red man!
And I pray, that she will call out for back up if she needs it!
Because if Your sword isn't enough, then You will come instead!

And then there's going to be trouble for the little red man!

I posted a reply to my sister's blog.
It started off very agro, but I hope she knows that I don't mean it.
I wouldn't actually slap her physically.

Maybe he was right.
What do you think Father?
He did say that he didn't have enough time. And that if he did, he would've pushed harder.
Maybe he was right, and that if he was able to push harder, it might have clicked and stayed.

Like a button, one of those that snap together.
If you push the them together, but not hard enough, it won't stay, and so your bag will be open and bugs can crawl in.
But if you push hard enough, it'll snap closed, and it will stay closed. Then those bugs won't be able to get back in after you throw them out.

A disappointing end to a great start, but it's not as bad as it could have been.
I only hope that my reaction wasn't wrong. It was human, but I hope it doesn't make things worse.

I know You'll watch over my sister. Just like You do over me.
But I pray that she'll hold Your hand.
Just like I am.

with love,
your naive child.

Dear God,

Today, I woke up with motivation! And it was without the alarm! PRAISE YOU!
I think I slept through my alarm, but I ended up waking at 9:30 anyway (were you poking my head to wake me?), and didn't even think of going back to sleep! Instead, I had the feeling every uni student should have, to get up and hurry because I didn't want to be late for class! Take that you little red man!
Just thinking about this morning makes me feel happy inside again! I can see you laughing and smiling as you nod your head in encouragement that I've done well! May I keep on going forth strong just as like this morning, as long as I keep holding your hand I'll be fine!

Since today is was Wednesday, it was also time for the weekly prayer meeting. As has become a part of that weekly meeting, I went to a dear sister's house to go together to the meeting. Little did we know, that meeting would be one of tears, openness, bonding and peace.

We talked about how You are LOVE. We talked about how each of us weren't an accident, and how You love each individual so much without end. And I think it hit a chord with all of us, in particular one person.

Today, my sister was challenged. She was put forward to hear what she didn't want to hear, but I think it was the right thing. She needed to hear it, and after that, she admitted her problem out loud. It was absolutely brilliant to hear her say so, because I think it's the first step to healing. I think today she was able to hear, and maybe start to accept, that the rest of us who were there and those who weren't there, were all siblings who could work through her dilemma with her.

I pray that after today, she starts to understand that she needs to break down that wall, that casket she has created, in order for her true self, the one that You, our Father, our Daddy, made and crafted delicately by hand, the true self that You love and want to see.
I thank you that Your spirit touched her heart so that she was able to open up to us, her siblings who love her so much she doesn't even realise.

I also talked to a couple of important people today. Although I hadn't known them for long, it seemed like I had been with them forever.
I told them about me.
About home.
About my family.
About something that, apart from them, only three other people outside of family know.
I think in doing so, I received great encouragement in how I'm dealing, and how I can continue in the future. Not only that, but how I can also be help and support for the rest of my family.
I'm so grateful that You brought them to me.
I get amazed and wondrous every single time You do something like this. Even when I realise the little things that You've done for me, I get blown away all over again.
And I know a little secret.
I know, that You do all this because You love me!
And I love You too! :)

I think today was awesome, when can we have another one?
Okay...I'll say please.
Can I please have another wondrous day like today?
Everyday? Really?
Thank you!

with love,
your naive child.

Dear God,

Today, I woke up feeling like I wanted to go to uni. And the reason? A certain person. So that was my motivation for going to uni, for about ten minutes. And then I reasoned with my self once again, and decided I didn't want that person to be the reason why I'd go to uni. Henceforth, I lost my motivation, and thus didn't go to uni.

Does that make me a bad person, again?

Does it make me a bad person, because the reason that I woke up with today, and the reason I wanted to go to uni today, was because of a certain person who could and should almost be considered insignificant in my life?

Or, does it make me a bad person, because I rejected my motivation, and therefore did not to go to uni?

I think my conclusion, whatever the reason may be, is that I'm letting that little red man with two horns play with my weaknesses a bit too much.

And the best part?
I know, yet I'm not doing anything about it.
Well, not trying hard enough to do anything about it.

And so today, I write with a heavy heart, in knowing that I did something wrong, on purpose.
Then there goes the little mantra repeating in my head while the little red man dances around.
"Horrible. Horrible. Horrible. You're a horrible child. You've sinned again, and you've done it on purpose again, and you're a horrible, horrible child for doing this to your Father!"

Will there be a day when you will stop forgiving me? I'm scared to ask that aloud.

I pray, please, make the little red man go away.
Make him disappear.
Make him stop taunting me.
I know he'll come back, but every time that he does, please hold my hand and stand with me.
So that I'll be strong enough to fight him.
So that I'll be strong enough to ignore him.
So that I'll be strong enough to do what you want me to do.
To do what my Father, my Daddy, wants me to do.

Thus, I put my foot forward right now.
I will take hold of my Father's hand, and I will stand strong and declare.

Tomorrow, I will go to uni.
On Friday, I will go to uni.
Next week, I will go to uni.
I will no longer let the little red man tell me I can stay home and let time whither away.
I will go to uni, so that I may do what you have told me to do.
And, I will become a child who is pleasing to You!
So that I can see a smile on Your face as You say to me, "You've done well my child, you've done well."

with love,
your naive child.

P.S. I think I saw the little red man run away. He said that he'll be back, but I'm not scared. I'll be ready next time. Because I'm holding my Daddy's hand.

Dear God,

Today, I decided to start a blog.
Well, on blogspot anyway, seeing as I already have one over at wordpress, but that one was for a different purpose.

Last night, I decided to spend some time meditating, and for once, reading and soaking up Your words. I find it easier to write letters to you as a prayer, rather than sit there and pray. It really helps with the feeling that I have a relationship with you. It feels like we're friends, like father-daughter, through the letters it feels like I can actually have a conversation and wait for your reply.
I hope to make that a daily occurrence, it feels nice :)

Hopefully, through this blog, which will be an outlet for letters, and in the future maybe for actual blogs, I'll learn some things. Expose some things. Find some things.

with love,
your naive child.