Dear God,

Today, I woke up feeling like I wanted to go to uni. And the reason? A certain person. So that was my motivation for going to uni, for about ten minutes. And then I reasoned with my self once again, and decided I didn't want that person to be the reason why I'd go to uni. Henceforth, I lost my motivation, and thus didn't go to uni.

Does that make me a bad person, again?

Does it make me a bad person, because the reason that I woke up with today, and the reason I wanted to go to uni today, was because of a certain person who could and should almost be considered insignificant in my life?

Or, does it make me a bad person, because I rejected my motivation, and therefore did not to go to uni?

I think my conclusion, whatever the reason may be, is that I'm letting that little red man with two horns play with my weaknesses a bit too much.

And the best part?
I know, yet I'm not doing anything about it.
Well, not trying hard enough to do anything about it.

And so today, I write with a heavy heart, in knowing that I did something wrong, on purpose.
Then there goes the little mantra repeating in my head while the little red man dances around.
"Horrible. Horrible. Horrible. You're a horrible child. You've sinned again, and you've done it on purpose again, and you're a horrible, horrible child for doing this to your Father!"

Will there be a day when you will stop forgiving me? I'm scared to ask that aloud.

I pray, please, make the little red man go away.
Make him disappear.
Make him stop taunting me.
I know he'll come back, but every time that he does, please hold my hand and stand with me.
So that I'll be strong enough to fight him.
So that I'll be strong enough to ignore him.
So that I'll be strong enough to do what you want me to do.
To do what my Father, my Daddy, wants me to do.

Thus, I put my foot forward right now.
I will take hold of my Father's hand, and I will stand strong and declare.

Tomorrow, I will go to uni.
On Friday, I will go to uni.
Next week, I will go to uni.
I will no longer let the little red man tell me I can stay home and let time whither away.
I will go to uni, so that I may do what you have told me to do.
And, I will become a child who is pleasing to You!
So that I can see a smile on Your face as You say to me, "You've done well my child, you've done well."

with love,
your naive child.

P.S. I think I saw the little red man run away. He said that he'll be back, but I'm not scared. I'll be ready next time. Because I'm holding my Daddy's hand.